Three On A Match

Full Version: Nathaniel Wren - Undying
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Path: Undying
Rank: Ashen (Untrained)
Reputation: 0
Mundane Skill(s): Brawler 1
Magic Keywords: Daywalker, Nightmare
Magic Abilities: Nightmare Cantrip - Needling Words - When he wants to truly mean it, Nate can dredge up terrible, personal insults, a wellspring of anger and scorn in him that inspires the same in whoever he snaps at, dragging darkness up in them as well.
Hey there! We've got a few quibbles with Nathaniel, but we think it'll get sorted easily.

First, the Keyword powers and cantrip connected to Nightmare. They don't read as pure Nightmare abilities, but Empathy and Sound/Song mixed in (forcing an emotion through the use of words) with an element of prescience to know a truth about someone, say True Sight or Divination.

For what you're looking for, Empathy alone would work best with your current chosen rank, 'cutting words' but without any insight into the person. He just has the power to make them feel a particular way about what he says. As you advance up ranks, you can add more Keywords to flesh out this power to include insight into someone's personal realm or influence over their nightmares.

Second, we're missing a clear indication of how he Grounds. You can put this in other magic notes, but if he feeds on something other than "the usual suspects" (i.e. blood, flesh, life force) we do need an outline of what this involves.

And last, but not least, you skate over his transformation quickly. Now, there is precedence for extreme emotions transforming someone into various supernatural creatures, so the basic concept works. We want it covered a little more. Is there a magical component that triggers it? You imply it's immediate, so are the men unaware they beat him to death, or does he wake up on the morgue slab? Six feet under? When is his realisation that he's dead, but that he didn't stay that way? And if he didn't realise, when does that realisation kick in as he aged and didn't visibly get older?

Just have a look at these and once you're done, tag @admin in #mod-request and we'll have a second look!
Hi, I am so sorry this took me so long, I've had a hell of a month. His profile has been updated, and hsi updated cantrip is as below:

Nightmares - Miasma - A near unconscious trick, when his emotions are high Nate can manifest shades of his own worst nightmares, greasy, nearly imperceptible shadows oozing from him.

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